It would seem that such words could not evoke the feeling that we are on the right path. However, when I heard them from Tom in a key department of our company a few days ago, I knew we were heading in the right direction. Why is it that 'do something about him' can sound quite right in the ears of an experienced HR professional? How to communicate effectively when interlocutors avoid contact?
- What do you need from me in this situation?
- Do something about him!
Good communication is the key to success
It was a Wednesday afternoon, the office was beginning to slowly transition into a state of work slowdown, only to become a space occupied for several hours by the numerous potted plants that populate its various spaces.
I could feel the fatigue of the last intensive week at work and I could see it in the eyes of Tom, the deputy sales manager. He had been shyly and non-verbally hinting at communication problems with his manager for some time, but so far had chosen not to talk. Today he came in, sighed deeply and sat despondently in my office.
- I don't really know how to present it, because I don't want to complain ̶ he started uncertainly, but seeing my open attitude and hearing the message that I'm here for him now, he threw out ̶ Martin will finish me off.
Empathy-based communication - Does it matter?
Marcin, the manager of his department, was regarded as an effective, if not very empathetic, colleague. The team tended to like him because he was fair, but Tom and he couldn't get along from the start. A recent communication workshop had improved their relationship somewhat, but after the deputy returned from leave, the situation escalated and Tom switched it around, making no secret of his agitation.
 - Do this, do that... I feel that he shifts his responsibilities to me, and when I point this out to him, he claims that we are a team and that I am not an apothecary who measures every millilitre. My independent actions are boycotted, and if I do something well, I hardly ever hear words of approval.
Where to look for the causes of ineffective communication?
I left space for Tom to make his case, being an active listener who empathically encouraged him to show his point of view. Being in a posture of softly to the relationship, I mirrored, paraphrased and saw the man speak more and more fully about what needs are not being met in this professional relationship and where he feels his boundaries are being violated.
I also started to analyse the ten main needs that, in a collaborative team situation, should be taken care of in order for this teamwork to be a source of satisfaction at every level. I noted that Tom did not feel valued, was restricted in his need to create, and that feedback towards his work was limited to criticism only. So there was a lot of this, and I wanted to find the one that was going to become the key to solving the issue.
Listen actively
An analysis of the aforementioned ten needs that, when met, enable good cooperation is an indicator of potential problems and, as an HR professional, I need to keep these in front of my eyes when people come to me and talk about their problems.
Fortunately, on the course they were written in an interesting graphic form and well discussed, and so I found it easy to pick up on this tool when talking to Tom. I felt that this was the moment to move on to the second step of the method from complaint to action, which is the Request. So I asked:
- What do you need from me in this situation?
And then the quote at the beginning of my story was made:
- Do something about him!
Feedback - How to communicate effectively?
Why was I happy to hear these words? Because it was already a kind of presentation of the request - a request for help in identifying a need. It is worth bearing in mind that formulating a request at this stage is not easy for every employee, so we are there to help them identify it.
I made no secret of the fact that I was tempted to actually 'do something about Martin' at this stage, and I knew from our experience of working together that my conversation with him over lunch could have settled the matter. However, I paused, mindful of the danger of stepping into the role of Rescuer, and offered Tom tea. I knew that our conversation would still go on and I wanted to take a little pause - the employee seeking a solution needed it, as did I.
Communication skills must be on both sides
HR professionals generally feel good about supporting and want to be present and helpful in solving the problems people come to them with. The danger, however, is that we start acting for someone rather than with them. We go from being a companion to becoming a Rescuer, and after a while we wonder why we didn't know how to say no, why we let ourselves be dragged into something that was not our responsibility.
You may also be in the situation where, when you hear a request for help, you feel like coming to the rescue straight away. However, it is far better to be there for the person who has a problem and help them to solve it themselves.
How to communicate effectively?Â
The role of Victim, Persecutor or just Rescuer - we can play in psychological games. This makes us realise that none of them is better or worse, because unfortunately there are no winners in this game. With this knowledge, I did a stop-start and did not poszłam for Tom's call, who wanted me to weszła the game. I made it possible for both of us, to remain in the Adult position and at that level to continue the conversation, already at the stage of my Proposition.
From over a mug of fragrant jasmine green tea, I presented my Proposal, already being in a different position - definitely to the cause:
- I can hear that you are not sure what you need in relation to feeling undervalued, having responsibilities shifted to you and being deprived of your independence. I would suggest that as a start, I can help you identify this.
Tom smiled for the first time that afternoon and after another twenty minutes we had a Request ready, to which I made an adequate Proposal.
After the Determination, in which we managed to get agreement on the contract from all states of the Self: Parent, Child and Adult, I felt that the theoretical knowledge I had began to bear fruit.
On my way out of the office, I saw that the tangerine tree standing in the corner by the reception desk had borne fruit and I thought this was a beautiful metaphor for our process. And in fact, thanks to what we had worked out, the following week there was a meeting with Marcin, for which Tomek was brilliantly prepared, and they both found a solution to a situation that was threatening to break down cooperation in the team.
A method worth following
I was very pleased that the S.P.P.UST model. - from complaint to contract, which I learnt in the video course, allowed me to respond in such an adequate way to the case Tom approached me with. This method, developed for business purposes on the basis of the therapeutic concept of the Italian therapist-transactional analyst Carlo Moiso, makes it possible to help people so that they begin to deal with their own issues and take responsibility for them.
Starting from listening to the Complaint, also known as the Case, through the Request and the Proposal, we arrive at the Determination, which is no rotten compromise, but an actual clear and transparent agreement on a very specific way of doing things.
Such overt and mutual agreement on a clearly agreed course of action, however, can only be the result of a pre-existing process, which I was able to successfully apply to the intervention in Tom's case. Do not assume that the contract will do itself, but build on the four concrete steps by which the energy of the Complaint can be harnessed to develop a Determination.
Verbal and non-verbal communication - Leader, HR, employee need to know about it
Every contract is concluded on at least three levels, we can also find models in the literature that speak of five. The basic three levels identified by Eric Berne, the creator of AT, can be described very simply as answers to the questions what, who, when, why and how, and there is also an implicit part that includes our hopes and fears. Thus, when we consider the contract from the administrative side, we define its purpose and plan, at the professional level we consider the mission and the ways to achieve it, as well as the conditions of cooperation, while the psychological contract reports to take into account the unconscious or unexpressed motivations, needs, expectations, frustrations, fears and old injuries or unexplained situations of each party.
Two additional levels, introduced by Julie Hay - political and perceptual - relate to the perceptions of the intervention by the participants and parties involved, and the impact of the context. During the implementation of the next steps of the S.P.P.UST. model, I kept all these levels in mind, and we spent more time analysing the psychological level. Among other things, I helped Tom to identify his attitudes towards working with Martin and his idea of what it would look like.
How to facilitate teamwork?
You're wondering how to nurture the emotional wellbeing of employees, build strong bonds based on trust and collaboration, where the employee feels noticed and important as they are, and the organisation gains their commitment and loyalty.
Then this webinar is for you: https://grupaspotkanie.pl/produkt/blizej-potrzeb-managerow/
How to communicate - Summary
It has been a long time since the contracting training, but I am still impressed by the effectiveness of the tool presented there. I can also see how many benefits its application has brought to our organisation and I definitely feel better for not moving to the rescue but stopping to implement the next steps of the model. It has worked as the name suggests, as a trigger for good change and process improvement not only in my department but across the company.
Gestures, body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact with the recipient and active listening. These are important elements in communication. However, if you want to understand the interlocutor, try to do more.
If you want to introduce such solutions in your organisation, be sure to take a look at the video course offer "From complaint to action", which will equip you with the knowledge and a concrete step-by-step tool to introduce into your organisation to act with, not for, someone.
Would you like to book a course?
Use the discount code: rebate25%
Literature:
- Berne E. (1987). What people play. The psychology of interpersonal relations, Warsaw: PWN.
- Dejean, H., Frugier, C. (2022). 50 exercises in transactional analysis. Poznan: Meeting Group Publishing.
- Karpman S. (1968). Script drama analysis. "Transactional Analysis Bulletin "7 (26), 39-43.
- Training materials from the School of Transactional Analysis Group Meeting project.
- Training materials Practice Group Transactional Analysis Meeting.
- Stewart I., Joines V., Transactional Analysis Today. A new introduction, transl. K. Balcerkiewicz et al, Dom Wydawniczy Rebis, Poznań 2018.
